Hello death friends!

I haven’t written in a little bit here, and I’d like to say that’s it’s because it’s summer and I’m out living a very exciting life and doing lots of fun things, but in reality I’m just busy with school and work and children and quite boring in reality. So I apologize for my absence lately.

But here I am to talk about how the summer has been thus far.

I took Isabel to her first concert ever – Taylor Swift – in July. We had great seats and she had so much fun. We got semi dressed up and took lots of photos and she had a great time. She was actually exhausted when it was over and fell asleep in the car on the way home. It brought back memories of my first concert – Aaron Carter – and we went with another mom and her daughter, and one of my friends from school. Taylor Swift was definitely better than Aaron Carter, that’s for sure, but’s it’s funny how even though the details are fuzzy and Aaron Carter is long gone from entertainment, the memories still remain. I can only imagine how thrilled my mom must have been to go and listen to some teeny bopper music, from a kid that was  barely older than we were. But there we were, screaming from our seats in the pavilion, so excited that we could actually see “a celebrity.” It’s just one of those “firsts” that everyone remembers, and it’s another “first” that involved my mother, like so many others in my life. And now Isabel will be able to store that “first” away in her memories, to look back at when I’m gone. Maybe she can carry that on with her kids. It made me wonder if my mom would have gone with us, if we would have all made the memory together, the trio that we often were.

It’s things like this that I don’t think people realize continue to happen. The wondering, the what if’s of what could have been. Would this moment I’m living in now include her, if she were here? Would I call her to tell her about it, would I have texted her photos? Death doesn’t just rob you of that person in the moment of their death, but in all the moments to come, ones that they would have been present for and even the ones that they weren’t. Sometimes you’re moving through life just fine, and then others you’re so painfully aware of how empty your life is without them. In small, insignificant moments and in big, important, life changing moments too. It doesn’t matter what the circumstance is, you still miss them. You still wish they were here, even in the tedious, mundane moments of life, you still feel their absence.

Tomorrow we are leaving for this years family vacation. We are traveling to Destin, Florida to spend a week on the Gulf with my husband’s mom and dad. We have never been there before and I am excited to spend a week with our family, away from work and the monotony of life. I am so excited to be vacationing with my in-laws, but I can’t help but wonder if we would have done one big family vacation this year, if my mom was alive. But now that she isn’t, I’ll fight the urge to text her when we leave, every time we make a stop, when we arrive at our destination. I’ll want to send her pictures from our balcony, our view from the beach, selfies with the girls. I would have shared this memory with her, even if she wasn’t there to share it with me. And now that I can only hope that her spirit is with me, I’ll have to share memories with her that way.

Whenever any of us are traveling, she finds a way of letting us know she’s around. Whenever any of us are flying, we always find a penny at the airport. So I know that even though she’s not here in the way that I want her to be, she is with me. I think that’s one of the things I’ve learned through all of this – you have to make due with what you have now. My mother isn’t here physically, but I believe her spirit is around me, and that’s what I share moments with now. And even though I would so much rather have her physically in my life, I’m so thankful that we at least have this connection, that I’m aware of the signs she is sending me, and that she’s sending them.

And I guess that’s just going to have to be good enough until it’s time for me to cross over (a long, long time from now, hopefully). So I leave you now on the edge of a new adventure, excited to make new memories with my family and thankful for the continued relationship we share. Here’s to a fun vacation – I hope you enjoy the views, Mom!

 

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