Well you guys, I blew it. Months in a row of writing has been ruined. But we’ve had a lot going on in the past month and a half, so I have a lot to update you on. I think about writing often, and have downloaded the app so that I can write now as things happen. They certainly won’t be long posts I’m sure, but they will be more frequent. So here’s to the last half of the year!
I wanted to share with you all the most amazing story. This happened to me in early May, and I’ve been wanting to write about it from the second it happened. For what might have been the first time in my life, the Lord spoke to me. I’m sure He’s spoken, or at least whispered to me in the past, but I asked for a loud sign and He delivered. I have been having so much anxiety about going public with this blog and the podcast, and a small part of me wants to keep it to myself. I question if anyone will even relate to this, will they want to hear my opinion or thoughts on grief or suggestions of how to get through it. I wonder if it will even help one person. As I’m wondering all of these things, I start to listen to Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations Podcast, and the episode I’m listening to is about the Time’s Up movement and she is speaking with Reese Witherspoon. At one point Reese says that anytime she has a potential project, she prays to God and asks Him to guide her towards what stories she should be telling, or the stories He wants her to tell. And I thought, oh that’s what I should do! I’ll just throw a little prayer up there and maybe that will relieve some anxiety. And so I paused the podcast and said out loud, God – I’m really nervous about this. I think I’m supposed to do this, but I’m terrified, and I’m going to need you to give me a sign that this is what I should be doing. And I mean like a neon sign, hey dummy this is for you, kind of sign, ok?
And then I went about my drive home.
I had finished the podcast with Reese, and started the next podcast that Oprah had recorded. This episode she was speaking with a woman named Madonna (not that Madonna) and this woman tells the story of how she survived a house fire that killed her three daughters and her parents. And as soon as she starts telling the story I think, This is a woman that deserves to grieve, you only lost your mother, like who are you to even have grief at this point. So Madonna tells the story of how she survived this fire and her grief in her parents and her daughters’ passing, and she eventually ends up in a mental health facility. She ends up here not because she is actually mentally ill, but because she was grieving so ferociously that the doctors taking care of her thought she had to have some kind of mental illness. The idea that she was just so stricken with grief had never occurred to them. It’s at this facility that someone tells her, “The reason some people suffer more than others is so that they can help other people get through it when their time comes.” It’s here as I’m standing at the kitchen sink, washing dishes, making dinner, listening to a podcast that God decides to send me my neon sign. The reason some people suffer more than others is so that they can help other people get through it when their time comes. I froze and started to cry. Here’s my neon sign, my hey dummy, this is for you kind of sign, not two hours after I asked for it. Because the whole point of this is to help someone else, and maybe this is part of why this has happened. So that I can help someone else when their time to grieve comes. So here we are, going public and recording podcast episodes. And I’m still terrified but I just keep repeating that quote in my head, because I’m certainly not an expert on grief, but I definitely have my fair share of it.
So I’m more motivated than ever to create are share this content, and I had every intention of doing so the weekend of my Mom’s heaven birthday (yep, made that up). My siblings and my dad and all the spouses were together for the anniversary, and we didn’t do anything particularly special that day other than just being together. We all had dinner and drank and laughed together. It’s crazy how an anniversary can bring you back so vividly to that day, what you were doing, what we were all talking about. And so now this year we remember the loss, but more importantly the life she had and how full she made all of ours. There were less tears than last year, which is a bittersweet feeling. It means we are all moving on in our grief, that it’s not so acute and painful all of the time, that she’s been gone long enough for the edges to become softer. It is a strange feeling to want that immediate grief back, as painful as it was, because that means she’s been gone less, but also being thankful it isn’t so sharp all the time. It’s a strange purgatory to live in, to create for yourself. And an impossible one too, because time moves forward whether you think it should or not.
And then the day I was supposed to go live my entire household got the stomach flu. Every single person who lives in my house, in succession one after the other. It was complete chaos. So the deadline got pushed back a little bit. But school is on break for me for a couple weeks, so we’re making moves to be out there very soon. So if you’re reading this and feel like you want to give me some feedback, I’m all ears.
Until next time…